Death Wish
by Spirit of Cosmos
Summary: A "what if" fic in which Usagi becomes unhappy about the situation, and decides to do something about it... ( dark fic, I was depressed when I wrote it)


SM Death wish…

Disclaimer : I don't own sailor moon, so don't sue me. If you like or don't like this story, please send all comments to [spirit_of_cosmos@hotmail.com][1]. All questions and comments are welcome. Oh yea, if you own the Moby album Everything is Wrong, change to track 13. It's called When it's Cold I'd Like to Die, if you don't own the cd and wanna download. 

DEATH WISH

One snowy night, the temperature dipping below zero, Usagi Tuskino was perched on her roof, a notebook pillowed on her lap, and a pen in her hand. She sat, in the midst of the swirling flakes, scratching out words in loving cursive, a single white candle illuminating her writing. 

My dear, wonderful, loving, strong friends…. I am writing this letter to you all. I have come to a conclusion that my duties here are over… All enemies have been fought, struggled with, and finally vanquished. And through all of it, you have stood by my side. Helped me though the toughest battles… Supported me, as I struggled to hold up this burden that I was truly too young to handle. We were all too young… I don't think anyone could have ever been old enough. Yet, I suppose that I did deserve having to carry the burden of being Sailor Moon… The Moon Princess…I was so immature and obnoxious… I needed to learn that the world didn't revolve around me… 

But I suppose, at the time it was happening, I did love the attention, and the burden, in a way. I didn't see it as the trial it became… Everything was so new… And having the ability to do all those things! I had never been able to truly succeed at anything, up until I discovered my power… And all at once, it came together… I had new friends… A cute boyfriend… A totally different life to live… 

I had my "sisters"… Rei, Ami, Makoto, Minako… My "aunts"… Michiru, Haruka, Setsuna… My "little sister", Hotaru… and Chibi-Usa, who became as close as a sister, though she was, and still is, for the short time I have left, my daughter. You all were so close to me… My most treasured possessions… 

Even though I fought with you all the time, Rei, I never meant it seriously… You will always be my sister… 

And Ami… You helped so much… You helped to bring me through the hard times, supported me and taught me how to carry the burden I had… You know, I always failed at everything before, and then I met you… 

Makoto… When I first met you, you would lash out at anything that threatened you… Everyone thought you were a fierce warrior that was afraid of nothing, because you had nothing… But inside was the sweetest, most thoughtful friend I ever had… 

And when I first laid eyes on you, Minako, my idol, the famous Sailor V, I couldn't have been happier! You were everything I dreamed and more… Glamorous, and yet down to earth. I wanted to be just like you. And as a friend… You were beyond compare. I finally had someone that acted as ditzy as me, and yet you were always there at exactly the right time, with your confident attitude and sunny outlook on life. You helped me more that you know. When I finally completed my circle of friends with you, Mako-chan, Rei-chan and Ami-chan, I felt that I was the happiest schoolgirl alive. 

But that was just it. I was simply a schoolgirl. I was not responsible enough to handle the burden that was Sailor Moon. But I went through my life, trying to shrug off the stress and pain that came with seeing each of you hurt in some way, always because of my actions. And believe me, I did try to shrug it off. But my efforts never came to fruition, and even after spending time with my loyal friends, loving boyfriend, and even my daughter…. There was always something weighing me down. I never wanted to make any of you worry, so I put on a happy, cheery façade, so no one would notice how depressed I was. And I made sure none of you _EVER_ saw beyond that wall. Even after all the skirmishes with the evil incarnations that seemed to pop up everywhere, finally confronting their masters and eventually beating them, somehow you would each get hurt. Or you would die… or be tortured in some horrific way… and seeing you all in that manner was killing me, and the memories still are. And what was worse was that each time, it always seemed I could never help you… I could never save you … Even when I transformed into Princess Serenity, I never seemed to have enough strength to stop your deaths… And if it wasn't strength, it was courage I lacked. You all seemed like you could face anything… You were, and still are, the strongest, bravest people in the world… And I hope I am right in saying that, because all of you will need that courage. 

For... I am leaving. I won't be coming back. I'm so sorry for causing you all so much pain and suffering... And I know it is cruel to leave without saying goodbye properly, and my heart breaks as I think of you… So you see? This letter shows I still don't have enough courage to tell you face to face, and I never will. 

The one thing I ask of you all… Please don't mourn for me… Especially you, Mamo-chan. I loved you from the start, and seeing you in pain, grieving over me, would be unbearable… But I need to do this… I need to go… Something is pulling at me, telling me that I need to leave, I have stayed too long… I love you all… But I must say goodbye now. Give my love to Chi-Usa… You will grow up beautifully, my little rabbit… And Setsuna, Michiru, Hotaru, and Haruka… I love you all dearly….

I don't want any of you to blame yourselves for my passing. It isn't your fault… It was never was. I am glad that I can finally leave now. The universe is peaceful, and it will be forever more. And if there is another disturbance, someone will rise up and take my place, someone who is stronger in mind and body, someone who can lead you better. 

It's beautiful out tonight… A crescent moon is hanging in the sky… It's radiant. I think it's welcoming me back home… The snow is quite beautiful… It makes a warm blanket… I shall sleep well tonight, under my cover of snow and stars…

Love eternally, 

Usagi

Where were you when I was lonesome,

Locked away with freezing cold,

Someone flying, only stolen 

I can't tell this night's so old

I don't wanna swim the ocean

I don't wanna fight the tide

I don't wanna swim forever

When it's cold I'd like to die

What was that my sweet, sweet nothing

I can't hear you through the fog

If I holler let me go

If I falter let me know

I don't wanna swim the ocean

I don't wanna fight the tide

I don't wanna swim forever, 

When it's cold I'd like to die

I don't wanna swim forever

I don't wanna fight the tide

I don't wanna swim the ocean

When it's cold I'd like to die….

Usagi gently held the notebook under in hand, and giving in to exhaustion, lay down on the roof and closed her eyes for the last time. As the night wore on, a gentle breeze started up, caressing Usagi's features, and rustling the pages of the notebook. Usagi remained, unmoving on the rooftop, only a small smile gracing her features. The candle had gone out. 

Well, how did you like it? I wrote it when I was really depressed… Quite a dark little thing, ne? I was re-reading it, and I realized that Chibi-Usa was gonna have a hard time growing up without a mother to give birth to her. I tried to change it, but decided that it would be too hard. Just think of it this way – a fanfic writer needs to have something that doesn't make sense! Or else it wouldn't be the same! Don't question my non-existent logic! Oh yea, by the way, I do like Usagi. Actually, she's my fave character in the manga! (In the anime, its Diamond… yum!) so don't think I hate her. I just… well, im going to stop my ramblings now and post this, send all reviews to [spirit_of_cosmos@hotmail.com][1]!

   [1]: mailto:spirit_of_cosmos@hotmail.com



End file.
